


The Sunset Tree

by Rudester_Rudie



Category: Not Going Out (TV)
Genre: Gen, Lots-a-angst, Past Child Abuse, Some teenage drug use, Teenage!Lee, Very headcanon based
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-23
Updated: 2020-05-04
Packaged: 2020-07-12 07:02:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,221
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19942117
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rudester_Rudie/pseuds/Rudester_Rudie
Summary: After cleaning out the basement, Lee and Lucy find two objects that break open the pandora's box that is Lee's memories of his teenage years, years painted by chaos, pills and the wildness of a teenage boy wishing to be free.





	1. 01. You Or Your Memory

**Author's Note:**

> This story was inspired by The Mountain Goats' album The Sunset Tree and The Who's album Quadrophenia. Most of this is based on headcanons and the little information I know about Lee's backstory.

You or your Memory

Spring cleaning was a stressful time of the year. Everything was turned on its head to dust it, to vacuum and so on, it was the closest thing to hell on earth for Lee, the constant noises, the exertion, he hated it. But he went along with it to be a good role model for the kids and to avoid Lucy’s inevitable nagging and with the combined power of family, the house soon looked squeaky clean by the evening. The kids had been put to bed and Lucy and Lee sat on the couch catching their breaths.

“Thank god that’s over with.” Lee sighed, massaging his temple. Lucy looked over to Lee, which immediately set off alarms in his head “What?”

“We’re not quite done.” There was an odd sparkle in Lucy’s eyes, the sparkle of someone who still had the vigour to do all of this again.

Lee looked around, confused, as he tried to figure out just what the hell was missing here “Do you want to go over everything with UV-Light? It’s as clean as can be, Lucy! We’ve been cleaning all day!”

“You know what we never do during Spring Cleaning?” Lucy asked.

Lee replied in a snarky voice “I would tell you, but the kids might hear it.”

“Not that.” She rolled her eyes “The basement. We never clean the basement.”

“Because no one ever goes down there.” He tried to explain, in hopes that maybe he could convince Lucy to just leave it at that “What’s the point cleaning up something no one ever goes into?”

“Come on, we have this discussion every year, but we have to do it eventually.”

The two looked at each other, the unstoppable force, meeting the immovable object, as they both tried to mentally convince the other they were in the right. But Lucy’s gaze truly penetrated Lee and he felt something in the pit of his stomach, something he wasn’t sure was the curry from last night or the feeling that he knew Lucy would have her way eventually.

“Fine.” Lee finally grumbled, “What exactly do we have to do in the basement?”

“Just some dusting, getting rid of some old things we don’t need anymore…”

“I didn’t know your dad’s in our basement.” Lee immediately announced with a cheeky smile, the only reaction this got from Lucy was a very annoyed sigh “Okay, I get it.” So he went to the kitchen and grabbed a few bin bags, while Lucy grabbed the broom, the vacuum and dustrag. Together they went to the basement door and as soon as the door was opened, the smell of dust and general ageing hit them like an anvil thrown toward them. They both had to cough a bit, to properly clear their airways of it.

Lee cleared his throat “Geez, did we just open a tomb?” He joked, but Lucy wasn’t amused, she seemed in despair over the current state of the basement “Watch out, or I’ll be cursed by mummy.”

“Come on.” Lucy looked over to him and then started to descend the stairs, into the damp and dusty darkness of the basement. Lee just sighed and followed her downward.

As soon as the lights were switched on, both were at a loss for words. The basement was dusty, cobwebs were hidden away in the corner, there were old unopened moving boxes with layers of dust on them, none labelled, the lightbulb itself wasn’t even strong enough to illuminate the tiny room. Lucy had a smug grin on her face, on that just screamed ‘told you so’.

“Okay, so maybe the basement could use some tidying up…” Lee muttered.

“No kidding. Where do we even start?” She knelt down and opened one of the boxes “Okay, so let’s sort these out. We’re making two piles.”

“Why don’t we just throw everything away?” Lee asked, sitting down next to her, as he rummaged through the same box.

“There might be some things you’d like to keep.” Lucy pulled out her hammer plushy “Hey, look at that.”

Lee put on an expression of nostalgia “Oh yes, we had some got times with it, like… That one time my crazy stalker boiled it.”

They both stared at it before Lucy put it away “Okay, where the hammer is, that’ll be the pile to throw away.”

So they worked their way through the boxes, throwing away old books, some of the strange costumes Lee wore in his odd jobs, they also kept some old toys for the kids, then they reached the last box. This one was lighter, oddly enough “That’s strange…” She noted, “Lee, is this your box?”

“I don’t know, why?”

“It has your name on it.”

He nodded “That makes sense.” Lee opened the box and paused for a second before a smile stretched across his face. He took out what was inside. What appeared to be a suitcase at first, ended up being an old portable record player.  
“I didn’t know we had one of those.” Lucy frowned, as she tried to get a good luck at the object.

Lee softly wiped the dust from the lid. He played a bit with the handle, deep in thought. He remembered it now, all of it. In his mind, he saw the picture, clear as day. He was 14, he had saved up all of his dinner money to buy one of these beauties. He left the local Electric’s shop with a massive smile on his face, he borrowed one of his dad’s records and played it in his room, nearly all day long…

“Lee?”

A new picture was in his mind, a 16-year-old Lee, with headphones on, he was curled up on the floor of his room, crying.

“Let’s throw it away.” He said quietly and closed the lid.

Lucy looked on confused, first at her husband, then at the portable record player that he first had beheld so lovingly “Why?”

“It’s better that way.” Lee put it on the rubbish pile, while Lucy looked through the box more. She found some old shirts, and then at the bottom of it, a picture. She looked at it and slowly realised that it had to be Lee as a teenager! Lucy could barely hold back a chuckle as she saw how he looked like: This bespeckled skinny kid would eventually grow up into her husband. But there was something else that made her wonder: A girl standing next to him. Looking closer they both looked incredibly tired.

She tapped Lee’s shoulder “Hey, is that you?”

There wasn’t even an answer, just an expression of shock as he snatched the photo away from her “What- where?”

“It was in the box.”

“Throw it away.”

Lucy wasn’t used to hearing him speak so firmly. She didn’t know the last time he talked so sternly and almost angry “Oh come on, isn’t it nice? You look so cute there.” She spoke, trying to ease the tension “All lanky with glasses…”

Lee kept staring at the photo and without further comment threw it on the rubbish pile. Lucy decided not to dwell on it, though she did quickly pocket the photo, while he wasn’t looking. They started doing the rest of the cleaning, Lee not saying anything all the while. Once it was done they got ready for bed, deciding to call it a day.

Lucy had already fallen asleep, but Lee hasn’t. He was staring at the ceiling. God, why did they have to find this box? He didn’t want to think about those years, he didn’t want to think about all the stupid shit he did, he didn’t want to think about Cathy. Then there was the cause of all of it, the little flat in London he had to share with his father of all fucking people. Lee forced his eyes shut, trying to make the thoughts go away.

But he couldn’t, it would always all come back, it felt suffocating. He never had to be confronted with this before. Lee turned on his side to look at Lucy. Lovely, peacefully sleeping Lucy. He hugged her, cuddling up to her.

By tomorrow he would’ve forgotten about this and she would have too. At least he hoped so.


	2. Broom People

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'Dishes in the kitchen sink, new straw for the old broom...'
> 
> Lucy keeps prodding until Lee finally comes clean. It's a long story.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reviews are appreciated! Nothing else to say! Enjoy yourself!

_The flat was always in disarray, but Lee had gotten used to it. If anything, the dirty dishes in the sink, the smell of cigarette smoke and booze was rather comforting in a strange and horrible way. At least this chaos was constant and predictable, unlike-_

Lee woke up the next morning, his head feeling clouded and fuzzy, it slightly hurt. He felt the space next to him stir slightly and Lucy awoke next, putting her head on his shoulder „Morning…“ She murmured, kissing him on the cheek „How’d you sleep?“

„Like a baby…“ Lee began „Waking up crying and pissing myself every few minutes.“

„So not well?“

„Not really, no.“ He put his arms around her, to pull her closer „Sorry about last night. You know. I probably overreacted.“

Lucy giggled a bit „Hey, don’t worry about it, nobody likes to remember their teenage years. I mean, I was such an acne riddled dork back then!“

„Yup.“ That’s not the reason he didn’t like to think about it, but Lucy didn’t know. She shouldn’t know „Good to see some things never change.“ Lee smiled at her a bit, as he saw her rolling her eyes, but she still gave him a kiss.

„I have to go make breakfast now, you know how my big baby gets when he’s not fed.“  
Lee pouted „Now that was just uncalled for.“

As soon as Lucy had left, Lee got out of bed and walked to the bathroom, so he could stare at himself in the mirror. He wanted to recollect what he looked like years ago. Yes, he certainly put on more mass since his teenage years, but he did have a healthier look all around, he didn’t look emaciated like back then…

_"Yeah, that’s normal. That stuff keeps you skinny, don’t worry about it too much."_

He shook his head, to wipe away that quick blip. Don’t think about it, you were young, you were an idiot, that’s what Lee would tell himself whenever his mind brought it up. Back then he hung onto anyone who’d give him even an ounce of affection.  
Lee splashed some water on his face, to wake himself up.

He was just stupid like that.

Lucy in the meantime had prepared breakfast for everyone. pancakes, syrup, orange juice, the lot. It was the first day of spring vacation for the kids, she should celebrate that. As she still had some time left before everyone came rushing down in a flurry of hunger, she leaned against the counter and pulled out the picture from last night again, studying it more. For one, the background was plain, making her think this came from a photo booth. Then there was Lee. He was smiling but it didn’t look convincing. He seemed tired here, his pupils strangely dilated and even though this image was black and white, she noticed the corner of a miscoloured blotch poking out from underneath the shirt… Was that a bruise?

„Alright, the last one at the table eats the leftovers!“

The joyful announcement from her husband snapped her out of her thoughts and she quickly put the picture back into her pocket. Everyone sat down at the table and they started eating.

„Mummy, can we have pancakes every morning?“ Molly asked, as she happily ate. Lee leaned down to her.

„We can technically, but I wouldn’t recommend it, don’t want to have to roll you around everywhere.“ He explained.

„I wouldn’t mind!“ She protested.

Lucy chuckled a little „Well, dad and I would.“ She kept watching the discussion, unconsciously staring at Lee. Strange to think that he was that kid on the picture, he was always the life of the party, she couldn’t imagine him fatigued, or distraught.

Lee poked Lucy’s shoulder „Are you trying to start a staring contest?“

„Well, I-„

„Or are you just, enjoying what you see?“ He wiggled his eyebrows suggestively, then grinned.

Lucy didn’t answer; instead, she just looked at her plate and continued eating. Once breakfast was over, they started planning the day. Lucy already knew she had to somehow get Lee out of the house, if only for an hour so she could try and figure out the mystery behind the photograph. After all, if this was during his teens, Frank would know something about this, right?

So they agreed that Lee would take the kids to the aquarium, while Lucy would stay at home, reasoning that she needed a break from spring cleaning. Yeah, that would give her plenty of time to investigate. As soon as she was sure that everyone had left, Lucy grabbed her cell phone and dialled Frank.

„‘Ello?“

“Hi, Frank! It’s me, Lucy!”

“Oh, good mornin’!” Came Frank’s cheerful voice “How can I help ya? Need someone to look after the kids?”

“Oh no, no. It’s not that. I just found an old photo of Lee and I was wondering, what was he like, you know, as a teenager?”

There was a solid moment of silence before Frank responded: “That’s…” He seemed apprehensive “A very sudden question. What was he like? Normal.”

“Define normal in Lee’s case.”

“He was a bit of a class clown, but overall… Normal.”

Lucy looked at the phone concerned. Something about Frank’s reaction was similar to Lee’s. This sudden drop in mood, the apprehension. Something happened and she was going to get to the bottom of this.

“Are you sure?” She prodded on “I mean, in that photo I found he looked off.”

“I’m sure. I have to go now.”

“Frank wait-“ Lucy sighed frustrated. Hung up on her. But at least that confirmed one thing for her: There was more to this than it seemed.

The radio was turned up nearly all the way, as the kids and Lee were badly chanting along to The Bee Gees greatest hits, they were all elated until Lee looked over to his left. He knew this row of flats. He fell silent, grasping the steering wheel tightly, as he drove on.  
Benji noticed though “Daddy what’s wrong?” he asked, tilting his head. He smiled at the kids through the rear-view mirror and smiled as well as he could.

“Nothing, don’t worry…” He looked at the rows of flats again “I used to live around here when I was young.” Lee explained, now on the lookout for the old flat, but gave up after a while. No, too much had changed around here; he couldn’t make it out anymore. The kids started chanting again and that heightened his spirits after this strange little dip. He sang along with them.

After a while they reached the aquarium, the fee was paid and the kids were immediately drawn in by the air of mystery surrounding the deep-sea creatures. As they were watching them, Lee was deep in thought. That was one aspect he hated about himself: his brain never seemed to quiet down, constantly producing thoughts and now it was forcing him to think about the old flat.

His room wasn’t exactly big, it had space for a bed, a desk, a closet and a shelf, but at least it was his own space, with a door that was more often than not locked, so he could avoid his father. He remembered how much he missed Southport, his old school, back there people accepted him, but in London it was different. They kept taking the piss, because he was a commoner, had a regional accent and didn’t fit in with the others. All he could do to make himself likeable to the others was to act like a class clown, which didn’t put him in good graces with the teachers. There was one girl though, she was a year older than him, but she always seemed drawn to him.  
“Daddy?” Molly asked, tugging on his sleeve “Can we have a shark?”

He wanted to make some quip, but he found he wasn’t in the mood for that, instead, he just shrugged “Let’s ask mum once we’re home.” At least the kids managed to shut off the stream of thought for a while, producing a new one, all about having a good time with the kids!

On the drive home, Lee had deliberately picked a different route it may have taken them longer but at least they arrived without any further instances of thoughts he didn’t like. When they all arrived, Lucy wasn’t in strangely enough, so the kids went off to their room to play and Lee was left alone in the living room.  
He turned on the television, to have some background noise, maybe if he focused on it, his brain would stay quiet. But he wasn’t good at focusing and his brain went paths he didn’t want it to go-

_It was always a mess here, but neither Lee nor his dad could be bothered to clean it up. Lee was lying on his bed, his headphones on, the music blaring into his ears._

_‘Waking up at six am on a cool warm morning-‘_

_The record was a bit old, skipping here and there, but Lee still loved it. God knows how often he listened to it anyway. That’s entertainment indeed. He felt at peace, deep in the isolation chamber. His dad wasn’t home for now, as always, but he didn’t mind, he liked being alone. He checked the clock on his bedroom wall. Not going to be alone for long, was he? The song ended, he heard the slam of the door and the familiar heavy stomping and grunting of Frank coming home from another shift. Lee held his breath, trying to not make himself noticeable, even pulling the blanket over himself and counting to ten quietly, it was like counting the distance of a thunderstorm._

_One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight “LEE!”_

_Living room._

_One, two, three, four “COME HERE RIGHT NOW!”_

_Close._

_One._

_He was knocking harshly at his door, shouting about something he had heard from the teachers._

Lucy came home from Anna’s place, she had wanted to show off her new coffee machine, and noticed something was off immediately. Lee was way too quiet, usually, he’d be making comments, snacking, doing anything, but he just sat on the couch. She approached him “Lee?”

Lee turned around, his eyes were slightly red “Yeah?”

“Oh god, are you okay?”

He nodded, causing her to worry more. She sat down next to him, holding him. Lee didn’t protest “I’m sorry.”

Lucy looked him in the eyes, noticing how he averted his gaze from her “Don’t apologise.” She didn’t know what to say, Lee wasn’t the kind of man who’d need a lot of comforting, he looked completely past her, into some unspecified point in the air.

After a while, he seemed to snap out of this state “We had a great day at the aquarium. Molly wants a shark.” Lee said, trying to smile, but Lucy didn’t buy it, she knew his smiles like the back of her hand.

“I know you. Something is up. Is it about the picture?”

He tilted his head a little “Probably. My teenage years were really… They were chaotic and I drove past the block where I used to live, so I guess it was a bit strange and all.” He half muttered the explanation.

Lucy frowned a bit confused “I thought you used to live up North with your nan.”

“Trust me, it’s a long story.” He sighed, fidgeting a bit with the corners of one of the pillows “Really long.”

“Do you have a short version?”

“Okay, short version: Moved to London at 12, moved back when I was 17.”

“Why’s that?”

“Come on, what are you, the bloody Spanish Inquisition?” Lee got up, pouting, turning his back to her “It’s nothing Luce, just your average teenage disgruntlement.”

She also got up, hugging him “I’m sorry, didn’t think it would upset you this much. I asked Frank too and he-“

He stepped away, a sort of shock glittering in his widened eyes “You… You did what?”

“I…” Lucy looked down “I’m sorry, I asked Frank about you.”

“What’d you do that for?!”

“Look, ever since we found that box, I wanted to figure what happened! There has to be a reason why you don’t want to talk about it.” She protested “And I just want to know what’s going on.”

Lee put a hand on her shoulder “There’s a reason I don’t want to talk about it. I was a kid, I was dumb, alone, desperate, whatever and if you knew-“ He paused and turned away “If you knew you’d hate me.”

Her shoulders slumped and she stood on her tiptoes, to softly cup his face “Lee, we’ve been married for so long. We’ve seen each other at our lowest. Why would I hate you?”

Both didn’t say anything until Lee sighed “Come on, let’s sit down. Do you have any plans for later, you need a wee or something?”

“No, why?”

“As I said, it’s a long story. You’re going to be here for a while.”


	3. 03. This Year

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And then Cathy showed up  
> And we hung out  
> Trading swigs from a bottle  
> All bitter and clean  
> Locking eyes  
> Holding hands...  
> (The Mountain Goats - This Year)
> 
> Lee starts the process of opening up...

Lee didn’t start talking immediately. He was staring at the TV blankly, seemingly trying to get his thoughts in order. Lucy didn’t rush him, it wouldn’t be fair. Besides, she knew what Lee’s mind was like, always racing.

“Where should we start?” He finally asked.

Lucy had an idea. She got the picture out of her pocket and showed it to him “Who is that girl there, next to you?”

“That’s my sort of ex, Cathy.”

Lucy looked at the picture and frowned “Sort of?”

“It wasn’t really-“ He looked downward, then back at this ‘Cathy’ “We were friends but also together, if that makes sense.”

“Friends with benefits?”

“I did love her back then, so not that either.” Lee paused “There should be a new word for teens trying out this whole ‘love thing’.”

“Idiots,” Lucy suggested, causing Lee to chuckle.

“Yes, perfect, we were idiots!” There was a sigh before he leaned a little against Lucy “I met her when I came to London for the first time. She was 13, I was like… 12. Most kids that I went to school with would make fun of me, y’know, for being a commoner and having a Northern accent, all that. Except her. She liked my accent I guess. But we didn’t actually do things together until after I dropped out of school.”

“And then you worked at that biscuit factory.” Lucy concluded, “Why did you drop out?”

“It was more a case of me getting suspended and afterwards I decided to just… Not go back.” He confessed awkwardly “Don’t tell the kids that, they’ll think that’s a valid way to get out of schoolwork.”  
Lucy nodded.

“Well back to the therapy session.” His leg started bouncing up and down, as he nervously laughed “We got together when I was 16, it was a crazy year, honestly.”

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
Lee snuck around the flat in his socks. His father was sleeping at this time of day, 7 AM. Those were his favourite moments, when it was so peaceful in here, on a cool Saturday morning, when the world outside was seemingly asleep and waiting for him to step out. As soon as Lee had everything he needed (his wallet, his driver’s license, fake ID just in case he needed something to drink and the car keys), he made his way out of the flat, putting his worn and torn sneakers on. He paused for a second, taking in the silence of the empty hallway before going to the elevator. Occasionally he flinched when he heard doors open, but it wasn’t his father luckily, just some neighbours here and there. He greeted them politely, but they didn’t pay him any mind.  
‘Calm down…’ he thought ‘He doesn’t get up before four on Saturdays. You have time.’  
The elevator arrived, Lee slipped in quietly and stood in a corner, still quiet, even breathing a bit quiet, a part of him still worried his father might just show up somewhere. He didn’t dare make a noise until he got out and into his car. It wasn’t the most luxurious of cars: A shitty little VW Beetle he had bought from a co-worker, but it was his!  
He turned the key and after a few attempts he finally drove off, rolling the windows down. The cool, dry air hit him and he felt like a prisoner who had just broken out of Alcatraz. At a stoplight, he took the time to light himself a cigarette with a match.  
\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“You used to smoke?” Lucy interrupted.

“Yeah… It’s not the worst of my crimes though.” He admitted, “I don’t do it anymore; Tim’s driven that out of me.”

She nodded “Just don’t start again, okay?”

“Of course I won’t. Don’t want the kids to get hit passively.”

“Where’d you even get those from at 16?”

Lee pursed his lips in amusement “You’d be surprised what a kid my age could get his hands on back then. The fact that I looked like an 18-year-old welder helped I suppose.”

They both looked at the picture again and Lucy remarked: “You know what, you do look like a welder with these glasses.”

“Alright, don’t push it.” Lee crossed his arms “I thought they looked good. They were tinted even.”

The sulking only caused Lucy to chuckle, nudging him a little “Come on, I was joking!”

He relaxed a little “Okay back to the story-“

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
He took a good drag and coughed a little. Bit too deep, but he kept driving; his destination was the local arcade hall. He liked it there, although the place had its problem: The constant barrage of information he had to work through was incredibly draining on some days, but at least he could get alcopops for cheap there. The best part though was that it was far away from the flat. He parked his car in the nearest space and walked the rest of the way, suited him well too because he heard a voice call for him, a voice he hadn’t heard in a while…

“Lee?”

He squinted his eyes and hurried up “Cathy?”

He’d recognise her everywhere. She had those deep brown eyes, hazel hair, and smooth pale skin. They looked at each other, circling one another as if they were analysing the other.

“You look great!” She finally concluded as she put a hand on his shoulder “You know, lunch breaks were a bit stale without you.”

“Yeah, I probably should’ve come back but I figured they’d prefer it if I didn’t.” Lee sheepishly smiled. They didn’t know what else to say, both just quietly looked at each other. He hadn’t seen Cathy in so long and now he didn’t even have anything to say to her.

Luckily she was the one to break the ice “So what are you doing these days?”

“I work in a biscuit factory.” Lee looked away “I know, not the best thing, but it’s something.”

“Well, it’s a job.” Cathy nodded in agreement and almost sounded flippant. Maybe Lee felt like she sounded flippant because he was aware of the fact that they came from different worlds. The way she inclined her head, the delicate smile, she looked like a duchess to him at least.

“Listen I-“ He gathered the courage “I was just on my way to the arcades, you want to tag along?”

She shrugged “Sure, why not?”

For a second he needed to do a double-take, he didn’t believe she actually agreed. Lee felt himself heat up exponentially, his face probably turned beet red then and there. Cathy giggled a bit at the flustered mess he had become and took his hands.

“You’re pretty cute.” She commented and laughed. Lee laughed too. They ended up walking hand in hand to the arcade, Lee wouldn’t really look at her though, more at the ground. He was too nervous to, he’d never walked like that with a girl before, this felt almost like a date!  
\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Hey, stop laughing.” Lee pouted as Lucy was laughing away at the story of himself and Cathy.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry!” She took a deep breath, though she still grinned “I’m just picturing you all blushing and awkward, like our first night together. And you just held her hand.”

He glared at her, but Lee’s expression softened when Lucy planted a kiss on his lips. That just made him smile a bit, still trying his best to look mad at her “Fine, you win this round!”  
Back to the story…

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
Lee was playing Pacman, though he was way too violent with the machine, nearly punching the buttons. He had a few bottles of thunderbird he got with his fake ID, the sugary sweet taste was still lingering in his mouth. Cathy herself was leaning against the machine holding a bottle of scotch. They both were drinkers it seemed, both could indulge in the vice without being judged.

After losing again, Lee kicked it in anger, causing Cathy to burst out in laughter.

“Hey Lee, come here…” She took a swig from her scotch, pressed her lips on his and spat the booze into his mouth. Lee stepped back and coughed, Cathy just laughed hysterically. After putting together what happened, Lee let out a few awkward chuckles.

“Was that… a kiss?” he asked, leaning forward again. Their faces were close together, they could smell the alcohol in each other’s breaths “Should I… do you?”

Cathy didn’t answer, she just gave Lee her glass of scotch. He took a big sip and reciprocated the strange action. They stared at each other, smiling a bit weakly. Lee didn’t know what that was. Was this romantic? Was this okay?

“Y’know…” She slurred “it’s gotten pretty boring around here. We should go to your place.” Cathy suggested.

Lee pondered about it “No, better not to my place… If me dad figures out, I’m mashed he’s gonna kill me!”  
\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Lee, can I ask you something?” Lucy shifted a bit in her seat.

“Yeah, what is it?”

Lucy paused, thinking about what she’s going to say “So you said your dad’s gonna kill you. Uhm did Frank ever, you know…” She formed a fist with her hand.

“Oh god no!” Lee immediately exclaimed, “Dad might have fucked up a lot of things, but he never raised his hand against me.” He sighed “He yelled a lot at me and would threaten me.” He shrugged “We didn’t have the best relationship, you know. We were both lost in London and we both were made to feel that we didn’t belong, we didn’t know what to do with ourselves so we just shouted at each other a lot. I was scared that he’d do something to me.”

Lucy had to think about her own parents. There was the occasional shouting, but she was never scared of her father. She couldn’t even imagine how this would feel, to be afraid of your own dad.

“He was just as lonely as me.” Lee explained “And he was full of regrets just like me. Just two really fucked up people in the end and that's that.”

Lucy took his hand “Did you end up taking her to your place?”

“No. We went our separate ways. I had a few more drinks and went home. Wasn’t a pretty scene.” He mindlessly traced shapes on Lucy’s left arm with his finger, as if he was trying to draw the scene on her “Lots of anger and all. Objects being thrown.” He stopped tracing the shapes and Lucy looked at her arm as if she was expecting what he described to appear as a painting on her arm.

She wasn’t sure what to say. Instead, she kissed his cheek and smiled “That was brave of you, sharing that with me. I think it’s a good start.”

Lee smiled at her and kissed her forehead “Thanks.”

“You can continue the story tomorrow… I think you’ve gone through enough today.”

“Yeah, my mouth's dry.” Lee agreed. Lucy, in an attempt to cheer him up a bit, winked.

“I could fix that.” She quickly kissed his lips “If you know what I mean…”

“Oh, I get you…” Lee chuckled “I totally get it… You’re going to pop into the shops and buy me some Squash!” He grinned.

A part of Lucy wanted to roll her eyes, the other part just laughed and shook her head as they both headed to the bedroom, to get some well-deserved fun and rest afterwards.


	4. Sleepless night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's a sleepless night when there's too much on your mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took a while. Whoops.

04\. Sleepless night

Lee was still awake. It was two in the morning by now and even the soothing rhythm of his wife’s chest rising and falling wasn’t calming him down at all. Maybe he shouldn’t have talked about this with her. He got out of bed and quietly snuck out. Maybe a snack would help him relax and take his mind off those things. As he raided the pantry for a chocolate bar or anything processed and filled with sugar, he had this sinking feeling in his stomach. He felt guilt, mainly because he had kept secrets from Lucy, the woman he loves more than life itself. It made him feel like a selfish bastard. But it’s not like he didn’t have good reasons to keep this stuff secret from her, he knew if she found it all out, she would judge him, she would finally see whatever her dad saw him as, a failure of a guy.

He didn’t find anything sweet, so he had to make do with a carrot baton, nibbling on it disdainfully, his sugar craving completely disagreeing with his choice of food. But he suspected Lucy had hidden the snacks in a fit of ‘healthy lifestyle for the family’ or something stupid like that.

‘Should’ve met someone like her back then.’ He mused, still eating the carrot. He looked up when he heard the sound of steps coming toward the kitchen. He hoped that he hadn’t woken up any of the kids.

“Oh, hi Lucy,” Lee said, trying to appear nonchalant, despite the fact he was holding that baton so tight he might end up crushing it. Lucy crossed her arms, giving him a once over.

“What are you doing here at this time?” she inquired, grabbing a carrot baton for herself and nibbling it.

Lee shrugged “Was hungry. Couldn’t sleep. That kinda stuff you know?” he put the baton in his mouth and held it between his middle and index finger “Imagine if I picked up smoking again.”

Lucy shook her head “Oh absolutely not Lee. That wouldn’t set a good example for the kids at all and the smell and-”

He chuckled a bit and finally took a bite “I know. But I bet I’d look dashing. Lips curled around the end of a Marlboro, leaning against a wall like James Dean and looking at you with a sultry glare…”

There was this moment of awkward silence before Lucy spoke up “I prefer my husband without lung cancer.”

“Hey, more people die in car crashes.”

Another moment of awkward silence and snacking “Was smoking and drinking all you did back then?” Lucy suddenly asked, the question catching him off guard

Lee finished eating the baton and cleared his throat “Why would you ask that?”

“It just occurred to me. I don’t know why.” She shrugged.

“I did do…” Lee paused, looking up “ Let’s call it a lot of dumb shit, back then.”

_Come on, take some. It’s not going to hurt you, it’s gonna be fun!_

_He doesn’t have the guts to do this Cathy._

“Lee?”

 _He looked at the pills in Cathy’s hand and how her friends were all staring at him. He wasn’t sure about this, but at the same time, he didn’t want Cathy to stand there like a loser because her ‘boyfriend’ is stuck up and_ “What’re you thinking about?” _frigid._

Lee rubbed his eyes. He was back home with Lucy, who was looking at him very concerned “Sorry. I’m bloody exhausted, and these carrots left me hungry. Don’t we have some Mars bars; I’ll take a Twix as well.”

“You know I’m trying to get us to live healthier.”

“I’m aware of that.” Lee muttered and continued eating the batons he was tired of “You know, if I had met someone like you back then, I would have learned to appreciate this stuff. But I didn’t, so I don’t. Can I have yoghurt at least!”

“Shush, you’re going to wake up the kids.” Lucy grumbled “Fine, you’re allowed to have yoghurt. But it has to be a fruit one.”

Lee couldn’t help but be just a tiny bit sarcastic “Gee, what a treat.”

“do you want it or not?”

“My choices are that and carrots. Of course, I want yoghurt.” Lee went to grab a spoon and looked over to his wife. There was a strange pang in his chest, a sudden nagging reminder that he didn’t deserve someone as lovely and perfect as her, someone who cared too much about an idiot like himself. He grabbed a strawberry flavoured Danone, meant for the kids “See, it has fruits.”

Lucy rolled her eyes, but still smiled a tiny bit “Well done.”

“It’s healthy, by your definition. I win.”

“I’m going back to sleep.” She chuckled and quickly kissed his cheek “Please tidy up once you’re done.” And with that, she left Lee to eat his yoghurt in silent contemplation. What was the nicest thing Cathy ever did for him? She’d defend him from all the posh cunts who’d make fun of him for existing. She would invite him to parties, even if he always ended up feeling out of place with almost all the people around him completely high out of their minds. Until one night when Cathy gave him the chance to become part of the party as well, a way that extended an invitation.  
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He didn’t like it, he didn’t like how everyone was seemingly staring at him, how people were seemingly expecting him to do something special here. He was only at this party because Cathy had invited him since she didn’t want to be alone here.

“I… I don’t know about this,” Lee admitted to Cathy, who was offering him some pills of some sort. They certainly weren’t aspirins.

“Come on, take some!” She said, trying to be encouraging “It’s not going to hurt you, it’s gonna be fun!”

“He doesn’t have the guts to do this Cathy.” Someone sneered.

He knew what was on the line. Cathy’s reputation. She had invited him here, defended him from everyone and now he was being stuck up and frigid. It was just some pills of dubious origins. Why was he acting like taking some would be the end of the world? Lee looked into Cathy’s warm and welcoming eyes, then at everyone else’s mocking glances.

He took the pills, all at once, grabbed the nearest can of beer and downed it all. The people at the party roared with laughter and a part of Lee was starting to panic. What did he take? How long would the effect last? Was he going to be okay?! Cathy held him and laughed “Hey, come on, if you’re going to be so uptight, you’re going to have a bad trip. It’s gonna take a bit.” She explained, kissing his temple.

“Okay…” He muttered, trying to breathe deeply. He was scared beyond belief, his entire body seemed to shake, but he didn’t tell her that. She was talking to him, but he couldn’t hear her, or it felt like that at least.

Half an hour or so later, Lee felt completely different. The initial panic was gone, replaced by a pleasant buzzing sensation, his mouth felt dry, so he downed more beer and everything around him seemed warmer and brighter, his breathing seemed so fast!

“Hey, your eyes-“ Cathy remarked, “They’re all big and stuff!”

But the way she spoke seemed odd to Lee. It felt like he was trapped with her in a big echoey room and her voice seemed to come all around him, along with the thumping of music he didn’t recognise.

“I feel weird!” Lee announced loudly.

“That’s good!” she yelled back laughing “It means it’s working! Let’s enjoy your first trip together!”

He wanted to ask ‘what the hell did you give me’ but her laugh and the sparkling in her eyes assured him that everything was going to be okay, he couldn’t get himself to say anything to her. Instead, he’d let her drag him to the dance floor, where he could feel everything and everyone at once, the heat of the other dancers, Cathy so close to him that he could smell her scent, menthol and perfume. The world felt warm and bright and she was the centre of it, the way she dug her sharp nails into his back anchored him, she kissed him again and again, each kiss longer and more meaningful and he wanted to talk forever, tell her about everything in his life, babble until his tongue fell out so he could finally feel better.

But he didn’t. His head wasn’t right; none of this was right, he wanted to cry out to someone. He didn’t like it anymore and his stomach hurt, it felt like it was cramping, he wanted to throw up, he couldn’t breathe, the world was way too loud, way too fast, so he let go of his anchor. But Cathy didn’t notice, or maybe she was too high to care. She kept on dancing as he fled to the exit.

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Lee finished his strawberry yoghurt and smiled when he read the packaging. Sweet and innocently it was advertising itself as low-fat, all-natural, only flavoured with strawberry, no additives.

“Yeah right.” He scoffed and threw the cup away, then washed the spoon. Healthier than his old habits at least. To this day he didn’t know how the party ended. He knew he threw up on someone and got kicked out. Did he return home at all or did he wind up sleeping on a bench somewhere? Fuck knows. Did Cathy know he had left? The only thing Lee remembered was someone yelling at him at some point the next morning.

Could’ve been his boss or his dad.

Or maybe both, one after the other.

He looked out of the window. Yeah, he must’ve crashed somewhere on a park bench that night, because he was woken up by the sun rising, the same sun that was rising now to announce the beginning of a new day. Blimey, how long had he been in the kitchen? Lee left the kitchen as clean as he could and made his way to the bathroom mirror.

‘Still me.’ He thought. Who else did he expect anyway? Maybe he expected to see that specky idiot. Pill popping moron Lee who slept on benches and threw up in the gutters.

He hoped Lucy would never find out about that twat.


End file.
